Witticisms
by Sarruby
Summary: Alex is sarcastic. A collection of drabbles.
1. Hopping

Alex was breathing hard. His pulse was racing. The pirate ship's rocking was making him sick.

It was only a matter of time before he was caught.

With a burst of energy, Alex sprang out of the lower decks and onto the main one. He had to abandon ship! But there was only one boat on the horizon. There was nowhere to go.

"Arr, I've gotcha now, laddie!" shouted the peg-legged captain. "Ye may've wre-ecked havoc in 'dem lower decks, boy, but now I'm'a gonna wre-eck havoc on _you_!" Alex had blown up a few things, including the galley and captain's quarters on his way to the surface. It was unfortunate that the captain was not in his quarters at the time, Alex supposed.

"I couldn't just let you take over the world!" Alex exclaimed. "You're crazy! Pirates exist, but not the old-fashioned kind _you're_ pushing for!"

"Arr, ye bloody liar! I'll make ye walk da plank!" He began, swinging his sabre, freshly drawn from its shiny, custom-made scabbard.

Alex looked behind him. Sure enough, the plank was sticking out. He was struck by the thought that pirates never actually had planks – or so his teacher told him. But that _really_ didn't matter right now.

"Back up; on da plank with ye!" the crazy man shouted. Alex had no choice: either be minced or drowned. And perhaps eaten by sharks.

Alex was getting nearer and nearer to the end. The captain was cackling madly and swinging his sword wildly. His strange garb and self-amputated leg really helped the pirate look realistic to any old-time sailor. The teenager glanced over his shoulder.

The other boat was coming! It looked like it would save him. _Must be MI6, for once_, he thought. It was within firing range, but it couldn't stop the captain if Alex was in the way.

Alex took a step backward and dropped down, but he grabbed the plank at the last second. Dangling from it, he heard the familiar sound of a gunshot, and pirate-y cursing from above.

"Arr, ye blasted meh bloody leg off! Ye bastards!" Alex heard a splash and looked down. The sabre had fallen into the water. Now he stood a chance.

With a heave, he hauled himself up onto the plank. It took a simple side-kick to take down the captain, who had been jumping around on his one foot. Inwardly, Alex found the fact that none of the crew helped the captain quite funny. It showed how much _they_ cared about the man's dreams.

"Alex!" a voice called out. "Are you alright?" It was someone from the MI6 boat, for sure.

"I'm fine. He was hopping mad, that's all."

* * *

AN: Thanks to **W****i****t****h**** T****h****e What Now** for beta-reading!

There are more of these - they're made by flipping through an idiom dictionary and then forming a idea. After all, who doesn't love the ever-ambiguous English language?


	2. Crying

_Why?_ Alex asked himself. _Why did I agree to this?_

"Alex?" the woman said. "Are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine," Alex muttered.

The woman hung onto his very word. Her fat, brightly painted lips reflected the light in the most irritating way possible, not to mention how her voice – never mind her words – grated on Alex's nerves. "No, Alex. You're clearly in denial right now. See, you just said, 'I'm fine', but it's very clearly not true. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here."

Alex massaged his temples. Yes, the psychiatrist was right – except that was a common pleasantry. He just wished she'd leave him alone.

"Alright. So how do I get better?"

"It's a long, involved process. You have to realize how you're feeling, first of all. Then you have to accept it."

Alex sighed. His uncle had taught him this. "I did that. Every single time something bad happened to me." When it looked like the woman was going to contradict him, he blurted out, "Then, what does one do _after_ they've accepted all the bad things in life?"

The woman looked surprised. Her eyes distinctly reminded Alex of cockroaches, except the insect was probably prettier. "Aren't you sad?"

Then her persona changed entirely. Her lips pursed, and she looked like a monkey imitating a puppy-dog face. And her eyes filled with pity. Alex's eye twitched in frustration. With a sickeningly sweet tone, she murmured, "Alex, you don't have to be strong in front of me. You can let those tears fall."

"Oh, for crying out loud!"

* * *

Thanks to **With The What Now** for beta-reading!


	3. Tires

The fisherman was enjoying his summer holiday in France. It was very nice – a gentle breeze was coming from the general direction of Britain. His wife was on the beach, tanning. He could see her from her, the beauty. The sun was shining brightly, reflecting off the water, sparkling and creating the ideal holiday scene.

Except that black thing about twenty feet in front of him blemished it.

He paddled over. As he got closer, he noticed it wasn't just litter. It had some yellowy brown on it, and it was moving. It was a blond boy! And he was _swimming_! Towards the shore, no less.

"Good gosh, child, what are you doing in the middle of the English channel?"

The boy looked up. "I'm running from Britain. They're people chasing me. Can you help me?"

"What's your name?" The boy pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Alex. But that's really not important right now. Can I catch a ride on your boat, or do I have to swim to shore?" He kicked the water, and it sprayed up behind him. That would scare the fish, though the misty rainbow was nice. The boy's breathing was rather fast, though he had a floatation device – a black ring.

The fisherman looked closer. It looked like a wheel, black and rubbery with the typical grooves. The kind found on a typical car.

"Ah, well..." The man was startled. "It's only about thirty feet to shore..." He trailed off, hoping the boy would leave him alone. He didn't want to get involved.

"Oh, come on!" The man got the feeling that the boy was frustrated. "I'm 'tire'-d of swimming!"

* * *

Thanks to **With The What Now** for beta-reading!


	4. Bells

It was the last period of the day, but there were still a good thirty minutes until school let out. Until then, Alex had nowhere to hide.

MI6 had enrolled him in some school for boys. Now the teachers without classes were trying to kill him before the school day ended.

Somehow, Alex wasn't surprised.

He ran up the stairs to the bell tower. No one had seen him yet. Once the school let out, he could blend into the crowd and get home safely.

Now to wait.

The minutes ticked by ever so slowly. Alex wondered if time had slowed down for him. His watch told him there were still fifteen minutes until the end of the day. Then he heard voices.

"Did you see him?" A scratchy, low, male voice.

A high womanly answer floated up the stairwell. "No. Have you checked the bell tower?"

"He'd have to be an idiot to hide there." Alex sighed, relaxing slightly. It looked like they wouldn't be looking here.

"Yes," the woman agreed. "but have you checked?"

"No."

"Do it."

Alex tensed. He could hear the footfalls on the stairs. He swallowed, then climbed into the bell. There was nowhere else to hide. After a quick thought, he pulled his feet up onto the pendulum inside.

A flashlight beam swept under his feet seconds later, but it didn't protrude into the bell. "I don't see him," Alex heard the male voice say.

"Good. Let's check out the science wing."

Alex let out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding. His now-glowing watch told him there were ten minutes left.

Alex felt his stomach drop out as he remembered that they rang the bells manually here. Someone would come up and ring the bell very soon to signal that classes were done.

A plan formed in Alex's head. The stairs to the bell tower were in the middle of a normally busy hallway. He could end classes early and escape!

Alex rang the bell. The halls filled with kids seconds later, and Alex immediately jumped into the crowd.

"Alex!" a classmate called out. "Where were you last period? We missed you!" Alex smiled smugly at a passing teacher – presumably the male one that had tried to kill him.

"I was saved by the bell."


	5. Heads

Alex smiled. Smithers certainly had an interesting workshop.

"And this, Alex, is an umbrella that will take the user's head off," he explained. It was placed in a dummy's hand. Smithers sprung the mechanism that looked like it should open the umbrella. It did, but then it snapped shut, revealing threatening hooks that dug straight into the dummy's head.

"Catchy," Alex commented. He noticed a penny on the floor. It was tails up. _My lucky day_, he thought as he bent over and picked it up.

Smithers noticed just as Alex straightened up. "Ah, do be careful with that! If you don't flip it in the next five minutes, it'll explode. And if it lands on heads, then it'll explode anyway!" He looked mildly concerned and seemed to realise he was scaring Alex. "Ah, but don't worry – the explosion only has a three-foot radius."

"Ah, sorry," Alex hastily apologized. "Should I flip it now, or should I wait?" Inwardly, he wondered what the use for such a device was.

Smithers sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose with his pudgy fingers. "Might as well flip it now. Towards the entrance, if you don't mind – there's fewer gadgets for it to destroy." Alex nodded and moved.

Just as the coin left his hand, Alan Blunt opened the door to the lab, Mrs. Jones tailing.

"The heads!" exclaimed Smithers, praying for tails.

Alex had stepped back. The coin hit the ground and bounced once, then twice, before landing not far from the two big-wigs of MI6.

Alex called out, "Heads up!"


	6. Escalate

Alex pushed his way through the flooded subway car. He simply _had_ to get away from his pursuer before the knife found his heart or vital point.

He glanced over his shoulder, and was pleasantly surprised to see a pickpocket surreptitiously steal the man's wallet. Unfortunately, the man didn't notice and continued heading towards Alex. The sinister sneer neared.

"He's got a knife!" Alex shouted. It might slow the man down - or it could cause panic.

Which it did.

The woman next to the man looked down and saw the glint. Her shriek made it sound like she had been stabbed. Her purse hit him, and a brute beside him tackled the evil man.

Alex crossed his fingers and pressed himself against the door of the car. Why couldn't the car just reach the next station!

All the people in the car were moving, trying to get away from where the violence had broken out. But a few were trapped with Alex, and they pressed themselves flat against the wall beside him. Thankfully, no one had the mind to push Alex into the fray.

The brutish hero sported a large gash on his forearm, and now he was trying to run, too. The woman had used her purse only to escape.

The pursuer wheeled on Alex. He grinned. There was nothing to stop him from running Alex through.

Except the car stopped.

Alex fell and rolled in a backwards somersault to get back onto his feet. When he stood again, he only had time to register that the crowd was temporarily blocking his view of the man as everyone rushed out of the dangerous car. He didn't think twice before heading to the exit and skipping to the escalator.

Like everyone else, he tried to rush up the escalator. But his horrible luck stopped him, and him alone.

The man had somehow - _somehow_ - managed to get ahead of Alex and was waiting on the stairs beside the upwards escalator. But nevertheless, the man had leapt over the handrail and tackled Alex to the stairs.

Alex could feel them digging into his back, and irrelevantly wondered if the stairs were made to stab people who fell. More importantly, he had to do something about the man with the knife.

The man's arm raised back and prepared to strike Alex with the knife. The man hadn't pinned Alex's arms yet, though. Small teenage arms struggled to keep the knife from his throat.

Alex just wasn't strong enough. The blade moved closer and closer. Only an inch left - then less.

It touched his skin now.

Without warning, the weight on top of him slumped and slackened. He'd fainted.

Alex sat up as the escalator evened out at the top - he could feel the stairs in between his vertebrae. He scooted onto the landing, panting. The passed-out pursuer flopped onto the escalator, rocking as the conveyor belt pushed him again and again.

Why had the man fainted?

"Cub?" a familiar voice asked. "Is that you?"

_Well, there's my answer_, thought Alex. He turned around and saw Wolf. The SAS soldier was holding a tranquiliser gun like the ones from Point Blanc Academy.

"Wolf?" Alex asked incredulously. A moment later, he realised that the area around the escalator was completely devoid of people, though there were still several in the area.

"We have to go," the soldier said. "Your company will handle the clean-up. We're just making sure there are no hostages."

Alex nodded, catching his breath. He followed Wolf silently to a car. The man pulled out a radio. He didn't even turn on the ignition.

"HQ, this is Alpha-central. We've got a situation."

Alex snorted. "Well, aren't we stars?" Wolf furrowed his brows. "Oh, come on! Alpha Centauri? The star?" The man rolled his eyes and gave his report quickly, sometimes using code words Alex didn't understand.

Finally, after what felt like forever, Wolf started the car and pulled out of the parking space. "I'm supposed to take you home." Alex nodded and gave directions, but otherwise the pair was silent.

As Alex's house came into sight, Wolf wondered vaguely, "I wonder how he managed to get a knife onto the tube."

Alex smirked and replied, "The security is substandard."

Wolf glanced over and noticed the upturned lips. "That's not something to be happy about, Cub."

Alex let out an exasperated sigh. How thick was Wolf? "It's a _joke_, Wolf. The tube's a _sub_way, as the Americans say. _Sub_standard?"

Wolf grunted and muttered something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like, "Agents".

"What?" asked Alex indignantly.

"Nothing."

Alex narrowed his eyes and focused on Wolf's as they pulled into the driveway. "What about 'agents'?"

Wolf glanced over before answering. "You think you're so witty. But you can't even take care of one guy."

Alex rolled his eyes. "He had a knife, Wolf. I would never take him home."

Wolf looked at him, clearly uncomprehending. "'Take care of'? Like you would a cat?" Alex muttered unenthusiastically. All humour was lost on the soldier. It wasn't even fun.

Wolf pinched the bridge of his nose. The car had parked. "Just get out of the car, Cub."

Alex paused before he opened the door. "Are you mad at me?"

"No. Yes."

"Was it the puns?"

Wolf sighed, exasperated. "Did you really have to make such a mess? You caused a panic in the middle of London during rush hour. On the Tube, no less. Not to mention your dash for the exit. You have no idea how many people saw you at the top of the stairs, or how horrible the clean-up is going to be."

"Hey, hey! I didn't meant to _escalate_ the situation!"

* * *

AN: And _that's_ funny because the pursuer went up the escalator.


	7. Served

AN: **This fic is more enjoyable if you've heard of Invisalign.** I recommend looking up Invisalign if you don't know what it is. Google Images is really useful.

* * *

The young waitress stalked up to the corner table with its four muscular, handsome men. "Hey, boys," she crooned. They were obviously here for a hookup. She could use a break.

"Hey," the one closest answered. "Water, please."

"I'll have the same, please."

"Me too."

"I'd like two wa'ers." Not alcohol? Maybe they were just here for a drink.

"Five waters right away, sirs," she answered, turning off the charm.

"Whoa, girl," the first one piped up. "Just 'cause we aren't drinking doesn't mean we need _formalities_." Oh-_hoh_.

Before she could speak, one of the others asked, "Would it be alright if we just ordered now? We already know what we want."

The waitress let her trademark smile return. "No problem." Maybe this night would be more fun. She took their orders, and the fourth one, in his very attractive foreign accent, ordered a second soup. So there was _another_ hottie.

This night looked like it was going to be fun.

* * *

"Cursed Invisalign," Alex muttered as he returned to the table just as the waitress disappeared, rubbing his jaw gingerly. He winced.

"Invisalign?" Eagle asked, sitting closest to the edge. "What's that?" Alex showed him his braces. They were like clear retainers.

"Why are your retainers so- so-" Eagle looked for the right word. "not straight?"

"Isn't it clear?" Alex replied sarcastically.

Fox took the burden of explanation. "He's got braces. They're the new-fangled invisible kind. He has to take them out to eat."

Eagle pursed his lips. "Oh. I see."

"No, you _don't_," Alex retorted. "That's the whole point."

Snake nodded thoughtfully, speaking for the first time since Alex returned from the bathroom. "That's why you've ordered soup."

"Yeah."

Eagle grinned as he realised the conversation was reaching a lull. It was the perfect time for him to start.

"Cub, you missed the waitress- _phew_!" Eagle started, the most lively of the group despite the teenager's presence. "She was far too formal. We're off duty, _relaxing_. The last I want is a bunch of 'sirs'!"

"Hm," Alex hummed disinterestedly, sipping his water. The others were also surprisingly interested in their drinks, and his temporary guardians - Ben and Wolf - sighed simultaneously as Eagle continued rambling.

* * *

Some time later...

* * *

The waitress returned with their meals, looking at Eagle and smiling broadly. Then her eyes drifted to the new companion, and her eyebrows furrowed, cocking her head.

"They look after me," Alex supplied helpfully, gesturing to the other men.

"Oh," the waitress replied thoughtlessly. Then her gaze drifted over the other four men. "_Oh_," she repeated, apparently coming to some kind of conclusion. For a mere second, disgust coloured her features before she smoothed her expression over professionally.

Fox picked up on the innuendo. "No, no, it's not like that!"

"Y-yes, of course," the waitress stammered out as she rushed to hand out the food faster than a fast-food restaurant. More like the speed of light, actually.

"Yeah," Alex piped up with a straight face, having cottoned on as well. "I only live with two of them." The other three soldiers who hadn't said anything blanched, suddenly understanding what the conversation was about.

Maybe that's why they weren't in the espionage business.

The horrified waitress finished up hurriedly with an "I'll come back later." Alex's innocent words' second meaning had not escaped her.

After the woman had left, Snake tried to be somewhat reasonable as Wolf looked ready to eat Cub instead of his entrée. "Well, at least when we remember this we'll laugh."

Alex grinned devilishly as he picked up his spoon. "You all just got _served_."

* * *

AN: And _that's_ funny because the waitress served them.

Thanks to **With The What Now** for beta-reading!

I would like a treat today, so...  
| PLEASE |  
V CLICK V


	8. Shift

It was dark as the plane landed in the middle of the night.

"Please use caution while opening the overhead bins. Items may have shifted during flight..." the stewardess droned through the standard spiel, evidently as exhausted as the passengers.

Alex nudged Wolf and Ben, who were sitting on either side of him. Ben had the window seat, and he woke first.

Wolf didn't budge, no matter what Alex did. "I'll get him - you get your carry-on," Ben interrupted.

The boy nodded and slipped past Wolf into the aisle. "Wake up. Wake up!" Ben hissed repeatedly to no avail, leaning over Alex's now-vacant seat. At the back of the plane, no one was rushing them.

Still, it was a good idea to be quick and at the ready. Alex opened the overhead compartment and-

_Thud_.

"Ah!" Wolf cried as he jerked awake. "What the-?"

Alex grinned cheekily as he retrieved his luggage from Wolf's lap. It had fallen and hit Wolf on the head, waking him.

"_Shift _happens. You should _carry_ _on_."

* * *

AN: Thanks to **With The What Now** for beta-reading!


	9. Spitting

The school dance was themed "All Ice Wonderland". The attendees were mostly dressed in white or pale blues. Alex wore a white suit.

A girl sat across from Alex, a chess board between them. Alex was winning. It was her turn to play, but she was very distracted by Tom, as 'dashing' as a horse's gallop. She liked Tom.

Alex could just tell.

"You should make a move. Now's a good time." The girl jumped and faced him.

"Oh yeah, it's my turn." She glanced over at Tom, missing Alex's smirk.

Tom had apparently heard Alex's last remark, and definitely noticed the smirk. He came over, swirling his juice drink. Alex was reminded of red stained glass - the drink was sparkling cider, an imitation of an alcoholic drink.

Tom quirked an eyebrow. "Hey, you're not hitting on her, are you?"

"Nope. You're not 'wine-ing' that I've got a girl's attention, are you?" All three of them knew it was a lie. Tom had the girl's attention.

The girl huffed. "Well, I'll be done here as soon as this game is over. Er... Would you like to dance?"

Alex jumped to answer. He was going to make this difficult for Tom. "Sure! We'll have a ball."

The girl blushed. "Erm... I was talking to Tom."

"Oh, no problem. I'll just skulk in the corner, plotting revenge." Alex winked at the girl to show he was joking. She was very sweet and fun to tease.

Facing the lady again, Tom stammered out, "Well, uh, I think... it'd be... um..." As if to calm his nerves, Tom took a deep breath and shallow sip from his glass.

Alex continued his statement. "What he means to say is 'yes', and did he mention that he's had very sweet dreams about you?"

Tom and the girl turned as red as the drink in Tom's glass, and Tom sprayed red juice all over Alex, sputtering. It made him stand out in the crowd of white suits.

Tom glared at him and wiped his mouth on a napkin. "You're a marked man, Alex!"

As Alex ran from the room, he called out, "And you're the spitting image of your father!"

* * *

Thanks to **With The What Now** for beta-reading!

XD


	10. Drown

Alex had to capture the man. He had to get this witness. He could testify and incriminate some of the most important criminals. As far as MI6 knew, no one else had been able to keep track of him since he started running. He had just sent an email requesting pickup.

Alex looked back at the edible photo in his hand one last time. "Saurohz Milkovich", it read, just below the picture. The man was tall, dark-haired, extremely pale, and muscular. In the picture, he was eating a steak. His girlfriend at the time was standing behind him; she was pretty but not gorgeous, blonde but not seemingly idiotic. Saurohz looked like a boxer, but he was known for liking and trusting kids.

Hence, Alex.

With a sigh, Alex hoped the pictured steak was the flavour of the picture and popped it into his mouth. It tasted like paper anyway. Alex decided that it wasn't one of his flavourite gadgets.

Alex stepped out onto the street and followed the directions to Saurohz's known hideout. It was a musty old crumbling shack, and it stood out like the chips in chocolate chip cookies in the city suburb.

When he got there, he rung the doorbell, but no one answered. Normally, Alex would have called MI6 and left it to them, but today he was just frustrated. MI6 had pulled him from school, and he still had a lot of homework. If he did this successfully, Blunt and Jones wouldn't waste his time with a lengthy debriefing (which he soon found was their rather-effective deterrent for failing minor missions). Alex hurriedly picked the lock and walked in.

Almost immediately, his attention was called to a splashing sound in the bathroom accompanied by muffled shouting. Someone was in trouble – probably Saurohz, knowing Alex's luck. Alex ran down the hallway, absently noting that in the quaint kitchen there were several empty bottles.

When he approached the door, he found out what was happening. "Saurohz, you arse!" a female voice screamed. "Why didn't you tell me! _Why_!" It sounded like Saurohz tried to respond, but it was stifled by another splash.

_Ah ha_, thought Alex. _Angry lover_. At least it wasn't some terrorist. But there was still the fact that Alex needed this witness, and he couldn't let him die. He kicked down the door.

The woman spun from where her lover was half-drowned in the bathtub. "Who are you?" she cried. Saurohz sat up from the water, coughing. He looked frazzled but grateful for Alex's unexpected appearance. "Are you one of _his_ friends?" she sneered, referring to her boyfriend as if he were utter rubbish.

"No, I'm not," Alex said. "But I am here to take him with me so that he can testify against unsavoury people." _Who are probably on unsavoury photos, too_, Alex added mentally.

She looked enraged, and when she shouted again Alex caught her scent: alcohol. "You mean the _terrorists_ he's been hanging out with?"

"Yes, exactly."

Saurohz started to speak for the first time. "They sent you for me? Are you kidding me?"

"No. If you need to see my badge, I have it here." Alex started to reach into his pocket, but the woman interrupted him.

"And now I find out you've been going to the _government_ behind my back too?" she howled, still furious for Saurohz's lies. "AH!" she screeched as she shoved his head back under the water.

"Wait, no!" Alex cried, grabbing the woman's shoulder and pulling her away. "Stop drowning your sorrows!"

* * *

AN: I'm alive! Surprise!

I want to dedicate this story to **Tigertopaz-Titanium** Banana, who pointed me to a website that made me want to write for some reason.

I didn't get my beta-reader on it (sorry!) because I just wanted to write for the first time in forever, and I didn't edit it, either, so apologies for errors.

Don't feel obligated to review, and thanks for reading!


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